It's not okay
by hotch.and.prentiss
Summary: Emily's been hiding things. Feelings. Thoughts. Terrible things she's bottle up all her life. What happens when everything unravels? Who will be there to see what's being hidden? *self harm* *eating disorders possibly later chapters*
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey guys! This is a new story that I'm beginning to get past my writers block, and depending on the response I get from this chapter, I'll decide whether I want to continue with it! Hope you guys like the first bit of it! **_

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As they boarded the jet, Prentiss took her seat beside JJ and rested her head back. It was a rough one. But aren't they all?

It's gotten so much harder to deal with all of the death, sadness, and devastation since her return. But then again, everything has become hard. Living everyday life has become such a task.

Every single day, she has to put on a smile, be everyone's shoulder to lean on, and everyone's support, without any of her own. She has to work twice as hard, to please her team, and somehow get them to accept her back. It's all becoming too much.

But she pushes these thoughts into the back of her mind as she hears her name called distantly. It's JJ. She's asking if I'd like some chips. I politely refuse her offer, saying I already ate at the station before we left. The truth is, I haven't eaten today at all. It's not intentional. I've just lost my appetite lately. I'm never hungry anymore. Just tired.

She tries to close her eyes and drift off to sleep, but she knows she can't. If she does, Prentiss might start screaming in her sleep, like she does most nights... when she actually gets any sleep at all.

When they get back to Quantico, most of the team say their good byes and head to their homes. Emily Prentiss is one of the two BAU members remaining. She sits at her desk, diving into her paperwork. It's not supposed to be done until next week, but better to get it done now than later, she concludes.

Aaron Hotchner sits at his desk as well, but for different reasons. He doesn't want to be here, but as unit chief he is required to do extra work. Taking a break from his work, he looks through the window of his office, and sees only one desk light on. It was Emily Prentiss'. Of course, she's been here late hours every night since her return. She stays later than the cleaners some nights and she's two months ahead worth of case files. Very impressive. Almost too impressive.

He would have expected Prentiss to be more affected by the situation with Doyle, but since the day she got back, he hasn't seen her falter at work. Well, he hasn't seen her out of work at all, actually. She hasn't come out to dinner or drinks with the team in the last little while.

Even the FBI psychiatrist had nothing to report last time Hotch checked a month ago. Maybe it's time he checked in on her again. It's nearly impossible for someone to go through what she's gone through and come out of it unscathed. As he turns towards his computer, Hotch finds the latest session report the psychiatrist made with Prentiss. It dates back three days ago. It reads:

* * *

_Prentiss, Emily ;_

_September 14th, 2012_

_-Emily arrived late today, looking lethargic and pale_

_-Most likely from a lack of sleep - as it looks like_

* * *

Maybe that's because she's always here so late, the agent thinks to himself. He continues reading.

* * *

-_ up until now everything has been progressing well with Emily_

_- We started the session with simple questions about how her life is going, her social life, and her work_

_- Emily says she has been getting together with her team much more often now, 2 to 3x per week, and she says she's feeling much better_

* * *

Well that's a total lie. Prentiss hasn't been out with the team for a good month.

* * *

_- We continued the session with a question I've been avoiding thus far_

_- Today I asked her about whether she's ever thought of ending her own life, or gotten close to it_

* * *

A slight gasp escaped the mouth of Agent Hotchner, as he braced himself for what ever came next. He clicked to move to the next page.

* * *

_- her reaction to my question was hesitant and rushed_

_- she answered with "no, it's never crossed my mind even once"_

* * *

That's impossible. Prentiss would never even... would she?

* * *

-_ Emily did not look like she could continue with the session after that question was asked and immediately asked to cut the session short_

_- I agreed_

_- Her reaction scared me quite a bit, and I requested for her to come in the morning the next day, but she did not show up to her appointment_

_- When I contacted her, she had just left for a case and she apologized for missing the appointment_

_- I believe Emily is hiding something from me, but I don't have enough information to confirm my suspicions_

_- If the next appointment does not go well, I may have to request to have her removed from the field, and reevaluated_

* * *

Hotch looked up from the screen, trying to process what he just read. What this document said is that Emily is not only hiding things from her psychiatrist, but what broke his heart was that she might also be suffering much more than he thought.

**Hope you guys enjoyed that first chapter. If you liked it, please please please let me know because I will use reviews as a motivator whether or not to write any more chapters. If I don't get reviews, I won't continue and I'll leave it as a one-shot. I think this would be an awesome story to continue, though. Thanks again everyone! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, so I LOVED the responses I got, so I'm deciding to continue with this. Just sort of came up with this chapter on the spot. Hope my readers enjoy it.**

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It's 12:30 at night and Emily's beginning to think that maybe she should get home. It's been a long week and she needs some rest. But she can't go home, because the nightmares have been getting worse. They've become more vivid. More terrifying. When she does get sleep, it's after taking sleeping pills or many glasses of wine. The insomnia is almost unbearable at this point, but Prentiss has to tough it out. She can't show weakness in front of the team. Her "return" has already been enough of a burden on them.

She tells herself that she'll leave as soon as this last file is done.

As she shuts the last file, Prentiss puts her head on her desk for a moment, suddenly feeling dizzy. But as she attempts to lift her head once more, Emily can feel her head getting heavier and her eyes shutting against her will. Before she knows it, she's drifting off into the abyss...

* * *

Agent Hotchner cannot wait to get out of the FBI building tonight. All he wants to do is collapse on his bed and sleep in on his day off, but the thought of Prentiss is still bothering him. What should he make of her last session with the psychiatrist? Was it just a big misunderstanding? Or is there more going on with Prentiss than she's letting on? He can't know for sure without asking her himself. He takes a glance through the blinds of his office, and sets his eyes on a sleeping Emily Prentiss. He's almost relieved that she's finally getting some sleep until he sees her start to thrash her desk with her arms. Within moments her arms are now flailing and he can hear her muffling something into the desk. He quickly gets up from his office and heads towards Emily's desk.

He can now hear what she's saying.

Emily is crying for help. The fearless Emily Prentiss has tears streaming down her face while she violently jerks her body, attempting to disarm her "attacker".

Agent Hotchner stands there, dumbfounded, not quite sure of what to do. He decides to wake Emily up. When he touches her shoulder, she grabs his arm and clings to it. When he's escaped her vice grip, he continues trying to wake her up. He calls her name several times, and when she finally responds, Emily's eyes open wide. Taking in her situation, Prentiss quickly wipes her tears with her sleeves and faces opposite from Hotch.

Without a second to lose, she's gathering her things and putting on her coat, making sure not to make eye contact.

Hotch stands confused in front of her for a moment, but soon realizes what Emily's doing. She's avoiding the situation. Confining her feelings and storing them into boxes she'll surely be pushing to the back of her mind. She's pretending that it never happened. Not this time. He grabs her arm gently and slowly turns her to face him. Emily stops putting on her jacket mid-way, and turns to face her supervisor. She is still not making eye contact with him. When he brings his hand up to her chin and lifts it, she looks shocked. He is shocked himself. What is he doing? Is he making her uncomfortable? Oddly enough, he feels that them, like this, is just right, but he shoves hat thought to the back of his mind for the time being.

"Emily are you alright?" he asks.

"Fine. I'm fine. Just had a bad dream," she replies coolly.

They stand there for a brief moment silently until Hotch asks, "would you mind telling me what it was about?"

Hotch thinks he already knows, but Prentiss won't let him in just yet.

"It was actually about a case. No big deal though. Everyone has bad dreams sometimes," she says in a casual tone. And Emily was saying the truth. She was having nightmares about Doyle. He WAS one of the cases they worked, so he counts, doesn't he?

Is she saying the truth? Well, there's no knowing for sure with Emily Prentiss, but he senses she's hiding something about the nightmare. He glances at the clock. 1:15am. He figures that it would be very pointless to argue or aggravate Prentiss at this time, so for both of their sakes, he doesn't continue on the subject.

"Alright, Prentiss. I'm glad it's nothing serious. You just frightened me a bit back there," he replies.

Emily tries to laugh, but is for the most part, unsuccessful. "Haha, yeah. I must be one mean lady when I'm asleep," she says in a joking tone.

Hotch can tell the laugh is forced, but says nothing. He wants to confront her now about what he read from her session, but he doesn't broach the subject. Not tonight.

"Maybe just a little bit," he starts. "Okay. Well I'm heading out now. Go home, get some sleep. We've got the day off tomorrow, so take advantage of it. Catch up on whatever you need to, and I'll see you in the office in 2 days. Have a good night, Prentiss."

"Goodnight, sir. Say hi to Jack for me if you see him tomorrow. And thanks... for tonight," she replies sincerely.

"Will do, and always, Prentiss. We're here for you. **I'M** here for you. Good night, Prentiss."

"Thank you. Night, Hotch."

And with that, Hotch has left. That leaves Emily, here, alone, to face her own demons.

A sigh escapes Emily as she gathers her things. That could have gone better, she thinks to herself. But she knows that once she gets home, things aren't going to get much better.

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**This was the second chapter! Decided to spice this one up a little more with some minutely scandalous chin touching. :o I actually think this one will be friendship based, but ya never know! Tell me what you all think of it so far, and what could improve. Thanks in advance!**


	3. Chapter 3

**New chapter! Hope you all like it! **

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It's been two days since Hotch and the team have been to work. Well, most of the team, that is. SSA Emily Prentiss was in the office on her day off, working through yet another batch of paperwork and reports. She's almost caught up to speed with Reid, who is atleast 2 months ahead. She's running out of things to do, and it's scaring her.

The next day it was back to work for the BAU team, and the earliest to work was none other than Emily Prentiss. Back to the grueling cases, the irreversible damages, the destruction of the lives of family and friends of victims. Will it ever end, she thinks to herself. Do these bastards ever take a break?

Emily is snapped out of her thoughts by Morgan, who she thinks just said good morning. She hastily replies in a happy tone.

One by one the members of the BAU team arrive and taking turns, they talk about how they spent their days off.

Reid read over 15 books in the past 24 hours,

Garcia spent a romantic day with Kevin,

Morgan worked on finishing some houses he's redoing,

Rossi watched old italian mob movies and drank wine,

and Hotch spent time with Jack.

When Emily's turn came, she just said "Oh not much. I spent some time with Sergio, caught up on some sleep, and got myself caught up with Grey's anatomy."

Most of the team didn't suspect anything from what Emily said, except for Hotch. Just this morning Strauss spoke to him about the excellent work Prentiss has been doing and how she was at her desk working all day for the past two days. He'd have to talk to her about it, and question her about the psychiatrist, but the debriefing of a new case is about to start.

The team heads into the bullpen as another chain of deaths is presented to them.

* * *

Within 24 hours, the team has caught the bastard. He was local.

It's becoming increasingly more difficult to deal with everything going on around Emily. She doesn't want to deal anymore. That's why she never goes out, sleeps or really smiles anymore. Because any show of emotion will lead to heartbreak, and anytime she puts herself in vulnerable conditions, she gets hurt. That's how its always been.

Her whole life, she's been "Emily Prentiss: Ambassador's daughter, Yale graduate, FBI agent, well-behaved, well-mannered, PERFECT everything"

But that isn't her. Behind all of this, is a teenage girl who used to do terrible things to numb the pain of living, a young lady who slept with a terrorist for information, and a woman who's afraid of being alone. Emily Prentiss is, in her books by no means "perfect". Quite the opposite in fact. She sees herself as an ugly person who brings misery to all those who ever cared for her. This is why she must distance herself from her team - no, her family - as much as possible. They used to be the only people who brought joy to her life, and now she feels no joy at all.

Emily would never tell her psychiatrist any of this, though. It would land her in a looney bin for sure. And then she'd get pitied and looked at like some sort of victim. Emily Prentiss is NOT a victim. She is not weak, nor fragile. Nothing fazes her.

She knows that if all goes well, the final two sessions could be all it takes to set her free from her shrink. But Emily also knows that in tomorrow's session, her psychiatrist will re-approach the subject they left off on. Emily has to play it cool and not give any indication of fear. She always expected the psychiatrist to ask about suicide at some point, but it really caught her off guard. Emily won't be letting that happen again any time soon. That's why she's set some ground rules for tomorrow:

She will walk in with a smile on her face and a skip in her step.

She will say everything is going well.

She will pretend to be open and honest with the shrink, like she always does.

She will NOT show emotions when the subject of suicide comes up.

She will NOT mention to the psychiatrist of the two attempts that she ALMOST went through with this year.

She will NOT give the psychiatrist ANY indication of the above statement.

She will NOT tell her shrink of the terrible things she used to do to herself, and what she is compelled to do again these days.

She will act perfectly.

If these rules are followed, Emily should have no troubles tomorrow after work at her session. But this is all easier said than done.

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**Well this was quite angsty to write. I hope it was well-written. Plenty more angst before the storm is over. But don't worry, at one point the storm DOES end. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello my lovely readers and followers. I'm back! This was a VERY difficult chapter to write. Before you read though, please read the warning!**

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SELF HARM AND MAY BE VERY TRIGGERING TO YOU. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE SOURCE OF A TRIGGER. TRUST ME, I KNOW THOSE SUCK.**

**If you've read the warning and are reading on, I hope you guys like this chapter!**

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The next day at work drags on, yet goes by too quickly at the same time for Prentiss. But by 4 o'clock, everyone has finished their paperwork and is returning home. Emily stays behind as usual, and waits until Reid, the last one remaining in the lobby, leaves. But tonight Emily isn't staying to do paperwork. She has other plans.

She bolts from her desk into the elevator. The team, all except for Hotch, don't know she's still seeing the FBI psychiatrist. She wants to keep it this way.

Pressing the button that will take her up two floors, she takes a deep breath and tries to remember what she rehearsed at home the night prior. She remembers the rules she made.

Everything will be fine, she tells herself. Just be calm.

The "ding" indicating the elevator's arrival pulls Emily out of her mental pep talk. She finds herself becoming numb in the legs as she walks to the door of the office.

**Dr. E. Douglas**

**M.D., A.B.P.N. Certified**

**FBI Psychiatrist**

Prentiss read the sign on the door in front of her, and braced herself. She knocked and waited. About 10 seconds later, Dr. Douglas appeared.

"Hello, Emily. Come in," she said cheerfully.

Emily does as she's told.

She could tell the doctor was examining her for something that would indicate a lie, but she stayed confident. The Doctor then said "Alright. sit down, and we'll get started."

Emily gingerly sits down in the seat opposite from Dr. Douglas.

When Dr. Douglas proceeds to remove a clipboard and pen from her briefcase, Emily becomes more nervous. But she takes a deep breath and remembers the rules.

For her to survive today's session, she'll need to remember the rules. Prentiss knows there's no room for error in this situation, so she plasters on another smile as the doctor finally looks up at her. And then Dr. Douglas speaks.

"So, Emily, how has your day been so far?" she asks.

"It's actually so much better now that work is over. It's been getting a bit overwhelming with cases and files," she says with no hesitation.

"Well, I hear you. It has been quite busy around here the past little while." The doctor briefly pauses and Prentiss knows what's coming next. She braces herself and continues to smile. Dr. Douglas continues. "So I think we should pick up where we left off last session. How does that sound to you?" she asks inquisitively, eyeing her patient's every move.

Emily takes a deep breath, and puts up her walls yet again. She thinks quickly on her feet, hangs her head and replies "Yes about that. I really apologize for my behaviour last session, but the topic was something that hit a bit too close to home. One of my old friends recently committed... that... and I was the last to speak to them. It hit me pretty hard, and I didn't feel like I could talk about it at the time. But now my mind is clear." Emily looks up at the psychiatrist and hopes she put on a good enough show to convince her.

Dr. Douglas looked convinced and also empathetic for Emily at the same time. Prentiss almost felt bad for lying to her, but she knows it had to be done. There's always a reason to lie if you think hard enough though, isn't there? She shoves the doubt to the back of her mind and awaits the response. The doctors demeanor changes from empathetic to suspicious as she writes something down on her clipboard.

* * *

_- Emily mentions a friend who committed suicide and states thats why the subject bothered her._

_-She is convincing, but at the same time, she couldn't even say the word "suicide" in a sentence. Something is missing._

* * *

She looks up from her clipboard and replies.

"Emily, I'm sorry about that. But I'm glad your mind is clear now. I really think we should talk more about this subject, if you don't mind."

"Me? Pfft. Not at all. Really, it was just a big misunderstanding. You couldn't had known that someone close to me had just ... ended their life! I was the one who didn't explain." Emily said, glad that the doctor seemed to believe her.

"Well alright then."

Emily prepared herself.

"So did you ever have any trouble with suicidal thoughts in your childhood?"

Emily took a breath and lied through her teeth. "Well, other than the occasional feeling of rather being dead than in a room filled with ambassadors and my parents' "very important friends", no. Not at all. My childhood may not have been ideal, but it was fine."

Dr. Douglas smiled at that statement. "Yes that may not have been the most... enjoyable setting for a teenage girl," she said with a chuckle.

Emily smiled, content that she'd gotten past that question so easily. One point for Prentiss, she thought to herself.

"Okay, next question. How was your time from university until the BAU. I see you went to... Yale. Impressive. Was that ever too much stress on you where you felt like you needed some kind of ... release?" Dr. Douglas asks.

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_**FLASHBACK -**_

_**Emily Prentiss was just a week away from writing her last exam at Yale University.**_

_**It didn't take a genius to realize that she was, for a lack of better words, shitting her pants. Emily Prentiss was a nervous wreck. She'd already bitten off the remnants of her nails, and locked herself in her dorm alone for the past week, unable to face the world. **_

_**She was not ready, and she knew it. But she memorized the notes, knew every definition by heart , and knew the books inside and out. That still wasn't enough to convince Emily, though. **_

_**Out of desperation, Emily found herself walking to the bathroom, subconsciously searching for her razor. There's no telling where this urge came from. It's been so long since she's had those thoughts. 4 years. 4 years trying to build herself back up on her own, and it was all about to be for nothing. Maybe it's because her old friend had helped her get out of so many other stressful situations in her teenage years, she didn't know. Either way, she had no control of what happened next. The blade came slowly upon her left hand, and with a swift flick, blood and pain, followed by numbness, filled within her. She felt good. She felt... clear of all else that was going on around her. She felt good.**_

**_And so the blade continued to slide over her arm and wrist. 9 cuts later, she was satisfied. She'd never felt better. _**

**_But then that good feeling disappeared and all she felt was regret, shame, and hate towards herself. Emily thought she deserved it. She was such a terrible student and a person that no one could love or care for. She wasn't even strong enough to stop herself from doing these terrible things to herself. But now, she felt like her world made sense. There's no describing the feeling. The feeling of being completely centered, with focus only on here and now. _**

**_Emily looked at the clock and realized she'd been sitting on the floor for half an hour. _**

_**She quickly got up, wiped and bandaged her wrists, and got back to studying. **_

**_The day of the exam, Emily walked into the hall with 23 cuts on her left arm, covered by bandages and her signature turtle neck. She wrote the exam and shortly after that, packed her bags and left the campus, not ever wanting to return again._**

_**END FLASHBACK-**_

* * *

"Emily? Emily? Are you alright?"

Prentiss snaps back to reality and curses herself for being so stupid. Who has a flashback at a time like this!?

"Um yes, I'm sorry. Just went to a different place in my mind for a moment there! But I'm back now!" she says with a laugh.

"Okay, you just worried me there. Well what's your answer?"

Emily blushes, and asks "What was your question again, Doctor? Sorry."

"No problem. I asked, did Yale ever put too much stress or pressure on you where you felt like you needed some sort of release?"

"Oh, gosh no. Unless a few too many drinks and a few hangovers count. Yale was quite a big deal for me, and yes the pressure was immense, but it never got out of hand."

"That's good to hear," Dr. Douglas replies. "Well I think I only have one more question to ask and then we can end the session for today. You up for it?"

Emily doesn't even take a second to consider, trying to seem like there's nothing to hide. "Definitely! Hit me with your best shot!" she says enthusiastically.

"Well, alright," starts the doctor. But then she pauses, as if contemplating how she wants to word the question. Emily wishes she would just ask the question. But before she asks it, the doctor says "Emily, I'm going to need you to be very honest with me here. I don't want lies or jokes to cover up the truth, you understand me?" she looks at Prentiss with a serious look on her face.

She's found her out. There's no turning back now. All Emily has to do is convince this lady of whatever she wants to ask, and she's home free. One more question, Em. You can do this. You HAVE to do this. Prentiss tells herself these things as she internally gives herself a pep talk.

And then the question she had been dreading escapes the mouth of her psychiatrist.

"Emily, have you ever planned or almost gone through with suicide?"

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**Well THERE'S a cliffhanger if I've ever seen one! Sorry about this guys and gals! I wanted to plan her response out well, and leave my readers wanting more. Hope you don't all hate me now. But this chapter was very difficult to write for me on its own, and I want to make the next chapter a great one. Plus I owe you an update, so I decided to update this before the next chapter. **

**Tell me what you think! **


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